1. There isn’t enough time to describe what I feel but if I understood my problem it would take about 3 seconds max.
2. 2013 means that I have to decide to be a different person and actually try for a change.
3. I live in a town where all of my friends aren’t, and now because of college all of my new friends live in different towns. I’m on an island of mystery. No one knows where I am and it takes forever to get there.
4. I find that I’m alone a lot, and that I could be doing more with my life if I actually tried to pick up the phone and call people, but I’d rather wait for people to call me because I’m crippled by the possibility of what to do. Regardless, I still end up alone with nothing to do.
5. No one wants to hear this because most people think I’m fine. In fact every time I talk about these things they tell me to see a specialist about it. So I stopped talking about my depression with friends. I wouldn’t be depressed if you bothered to ask me to do things everyonce in a while.
6. I might feel this way because honestly, with the connections I’ve made and the people I know and am close to, I feel like a transplant. I came into your lives to late and that I was put here to amuse you for a moment but in the end I was never meant to be around for more than just group functions.
7. I’m funny because it makes me feel less awkward around people I don’t know and people I know very well. I have trouble trying to harness that into anything positive and I end up offending those that are close to me accidentally because what I think is funny can in turn become biting and mean under stress.
8. I have 1000 useless hobbies because I want people to think that I’m useful. It’s not that I’m proficient at any of them, I’d like to be, but I want people to think that 6’6” white boy with has more going on than being tall and funny.
9. I’m not attracted to all women. My friends tell me that I’m in love with everyone because I say I have a crush on everyone. I talk to a lot of people and I feel incredibly paralyzed by certain people. If I make an effort, it means I care. But that’s not really enough to make a difference.
10. I wouldn’t know how to be myself if told me to. If I have to think about it I get “stage fright” and end up feeling like the faded awkward silent version of the normally verbose outgoing drunk that I tend to be. And then I realize that I might be a better person if I were elevated but I can’t be high on caffeine or drunk all the time. I’d be more charming more out going but I’d be dangerous to be around.
Because its Christmas and I’ll look at this in a few months and try to piece together what went wrong and why I feel this way and the answer is nothing. A total void of things. If I didn’t feel like every morning I knew I didn’t need a phone based on how little I use it I think if feel better. I rarely hear from people. Like close friends and family (in regards to my sister who I spoke to about this, she won’t read this). I have a phone and a phone number, a Facebook page, an email. I am the easiest person to get ahold of but no one bothers and then everyone assume I’m busy.
I think I summed everything up. I feel shitty right now. I don’t have people to tell so I just put it here. Read it or not it makes no difference.