1. There isn’t enough time to describe what I feel but if I understood my problem it would take about 3 seconds max.
2. 2013 means that I have to decide to be a different person and actually try for a change.
3. I live in a town where all of my friends aren’t, and now because of college all of my new friends live in different towns. I’m on an island of mystery. No one knows where I am and it takes forever to get there.
4. I find that I’m alone a lot, and that I could be doing more with my life if I actually tried to pick up the phone and call people, but I’d rather wait for people to call me because I’m crippled by the possibility of what to do. Regardless, I still end up alone with nothing to do.
5. No one wants to hear this because most people think I’m fine. In fact every time I talk about these things they tell me to see a specialist about it. So I stopped talking about my depression with friends. I wouldn’t be depressed if you bothered to ask me to do things everyonce in a while.
6. I might feel this way because honestly, with the connections I’ve made and the people I know and am close to, I feel like a transplant. I came into your lives to late and that I was put here to amuse you for a moment but in the end I was never meant to be around for more than just group functions.
7. I’m funny because it makes me feel less awkward around people I don’t know and people I know very well. I have trouble trying to harness that into anything positive and I end up offending those that are close to me accidentally because what I think is funny can in turn become biting and mean under stress.
8. I have 1000 useless hobbies because I want people to think that I’m useful. It’s not that I’m proficient at any of them, I’d like to be, but I want people to think that 6’6” white boy with has more going on than being tall and funny.
9. I’m not attracted to all women. My friends tell me that I’m in love with everyone because I say I have a crush on everyone. I talk to a lot of people and I feel incredibly paralyzed by certain people. If I make an effort, it means I care. But that’s not really enough to make a difference.
10. I wouldn’t know how to be myself if told me to. If I have to think about it I get “stage fright” and end up feeling like the faded awkward silent version of the normally verbose outgoing drunk that I tend to be. And then I realize that I might be a better person if I were elevated but I can’t be high on caffeine or drunk all the time. I’d be more charming more out going but I’d be dangerous to be around.
Because its Christmas and I’ll look at this in a few months and try to piece together what went wrong and why I feel this way and the answer is nothing. A total void of things. If I didn’t feel like every morning I knew I didn’t need a phone based on how little I use it I think if feel better. I rarely hear from people. Like close friends and family (in regards to my sister who I spoke to about this, she won’t read this). I have a phone and a phone number, a Facebook page, an email. I am the easiest person to get ahold of but no one bothers and then everyone assume I’m busy.
I think I summed everything up. I feel shitty right now. I don’t have people to tell so I just put it here. Read it or not it makes no difference.
There is a conflicting voice in my head that is screaming at me. It is telling me one thing and acting another. Its what it is like when you decide (the reader is YOU!) to push as many items as you can through a thin tube. Let me describe it in depth:
Like a sock with too many orange in it.
Like a bucket with too much water and not enough wall real estate.
When arms become to loaded to hold.
Other various things…
I love her, but the idea of being with her now that the tide has been turned feels odd. I haven’t talked to her in a week. I’ve tried to move on but the idea also feels weird. I’m in a super position of away and present. Its a vacation at home with nothing to do.
My ex from possibly 10-12 years ago started talking to me yesterday at work. That was High School, possibly Junior High or the beginning of my freshman year. I remember i was afraid of her. I don’t know why, it was the first girl I dated. Also calling it dating isn’t really a term, we called each other bf/gf for a bout 3 weeks before i bitched out and told her i couldn’t see her. The real reason was that i didn’t know what I was doing and i didn’t feel like learning. I had “social anxiety”, not really, but I call it that. Being with someone that i didn’t know well scared me. I didn’t see her at all after we broke up.
We started chatting on facebook. She was asking me how I was, she seemed bored. She also shares a striking resemblance to Jamie [a painful period of my past]. I’m not saying I had trouble talking to her, only because these two people are completely separate from each other, but I did feel weird with the idea that we were talking. She’s married now, has 2 kids. One of them is 8 the other is 4. The thing that make me feel extra weird is that 8 years ago this year I was 18. I was starting Junior College I finally gained the courge enough to talk to people outside of my friend set. Thats where i learned to get myself into trouble, over and over again. Now its years later and we’re talking. I tell that i’m working for bands as a poster designer, and she tells me that she’s working for the CSI in S.A. and starting a magazine. She started flirting with me for a bit. It came off a little weird. I’m not use to people thinking that I’m attractive. I tell her about the past and the honest truth about it. She tells me that I shouldn’t worry about it. It ended a few minutes later, she had to get back to work, i really didn’t have much to do.